Why Hillary won't be vice-president

By Stephen J. Masty
$thisBycredit | 8/10/08 7:33 AM

President Obama sat behind his desk in the Oval Office, cradling his head in his hands. It had only been six months since he took the Oath of Office, but a year since he made his first major mistake -- and that couple somehow reminded him of it every day.

"Mister President?" asked the young staffer with the clipboard.

He snapped back to attention, smiling wanly. "Michelle, I said. Michelle was upset about…"

The staffer finished his sentence: 'The First Lady was upset about tonight's state dinner. The rack of lamb has been replaced by (reading from her notes) fajitas, and they've cancelled the Julliard String Quartet for a gay bluegrass band called Brokeback Mountain Breakdown."

"For the Prime Minister of Austria?" asked the President incredulously.

"I know," his scheduler sympathized. "Last week, Ban Ki Moon got moon-pies and RC cola. And there's that platoon of giggling Valley Girls, all hired by The Second Vice President, as he calls himself. Greeters, he calls them, since the Cabinet agreed that female interns are off limits."

The President sighed: "They make the White House foyer look like a soft-core porn Wal-Mart."

"I know, sir," she said sympathetically. "Next, no progress on a new venue for the Middle Eastern Summit.

"Not Camp David?" asked the President.

She read from her notes: "It's already booked solid through August. First, the Annual Vice Presidential Workshop Against Unsustainabililty and Gender, then the Families on Food-Stamps Chili Cook-Off -- something her husband started. Then an intensive retreat for the Vice President's Legal Counsel – it's the week before his sentencing. Dr. Weissman says you've really got to stop grinding your teeth. Then you're on your traditional family holiday, whale-watching at Hyannis Port."

"Can't we get the Vice President's Office to postpone something?" he asked.

The staffer hesitated and broke eye contact. "Their scheduling people won't get back to us," she confessed. "Theyalso won't comment on her announcement last night, hence this morning's meeting with the Chief of Staff and Secretary Miller." The President winced and clenched his fists.

His eyes flashed in anger, but he kept his voice restrained: "I never put her in charge of health yet she's got that tied in knots. And now it's energy. Can anyone tell me how the Vice President is empowered to hijack public policy, when the White House has already…"

Deftly, the staffer interrupted: "It does indeed sound like that, Mister President, and DOE says they've been kept out of the loop. But hopefully, this next meeting will clarify…"

"Is the Vice President attending?" he asked icily.

"No reply, Sir," she answered. "The Vice President booked the Rose Garden for a group of blind motorcyclists today, and rumor says she's going to make a major statement on transportation policy."

The President rested his head in his hands. "Tell them I'll have lunch at my desk and read over the Russia briefing. Ask them for comfort food: a lobster roll, endive salad and a glass of Sancerre."

"But we have had some communication from the VP's office," she added brightly. "Some Hollywood friends of hers are putting up a housing development on the edge of Sequoia National Park and she's sent you this investment brochure."

Stephen J. Masty, a former Washington, D.C. speechwriter, is a communication consultant based in London.

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